Wow....I think I had to sweep 4 inches of dust off of my Typepad account just to write this post! I know that it's been a while, but i'm SLOWLY getting back into the blog. There has been SO much going on and I've been busier than any bee could imagine being, but nonetheless, I'm writing again. And I can think of no better blog post to write than one for my precious friend and sweet, sweet sister in the lord, "E-Mom" over at Chrysalis. If you have never paid E-Mom a visit, then you must. Her wisdom and insight, and especially her friendship, are priceless to me. She is not only a hero in the faith but a hero in her testimony of Christian marriage. She is a Proverbs 31 woman....have no doubt about that.
Today's topic was one that I could deeply identify with. When I got the blast reminder from E-Mom the other day, I think I almost fell off my seat when I read the topic. Where do I even begin? I just hope if you are reading this that you have poured yourself about a gallon of coffee and have a while to sit and read. I'll try and condense, but I can't make you any promises!
They have lived in it and have built in it a sanctuary for your Name, saying, ‘If calamity comes upon us, whether the sword of judgment, or plague or famine, we will stand in your presence before this temple that bears your Name and will cry out to you in our distress, and you will hear us and save us.’ II Chronicles 20:8-9
E-mom encouraged us in writing about moving past the pain of infertility. Well...I can definitely give you some insight into this topic, because Rob and I have walked through this valley for the last 5 years. I have known many who have faced the same...some who have been able to receive a deliverance and some who have not. My post today is not to discuss great theological reasons why each individual goes through certain trials and tribulations. My post is only to give you insight on where we have walked. I can only pray that the Lord would use our situation to help someone else who may need encouragement while in the valley.
Dear Lord...not my words, but Yours. Amen.
Rob and I have been married for five years next month and I thank God every day for our marriage. It has definitely not been a textbook five years, if there is such a thing. We married and then began a roller coaster ride through the trial of osteo arthritis (a direct result of Rob's struggle from childhood with juvenile rheumatoid arthritis), which lead to Rob having to have not one but two major surgeries to replace both of his hips. All of this and he was barely over 40. All of this and I was barely over 35. It was not what I had prayed for all of my life, but God will never give us more than we can handle....I can honestly tell you that. You may not have gotten that answer from me at the time, but I can tell you that now. God's promises are true my friend. God's promises are true (Jeremiah 29:11-14).
In the midst of the surgeries, we had still had no success with getting pregnant. Surgeries came and went....therapy and recuperation came and went, still, no pregnancy. I'm not sure if you've ever seen the movie "Back To The Future", but the opening scene is filled with clocks....all ticking very loudly, and all ticking at one time. Well, my friend, that's pretty much what has been resounding in my ears as I painfully got up each day over these days, months, weeks and years....listening to the deafening "tick-tock" of my biological clock piercing my ears.
"For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.” II Chronicles 20:12
Flash forward to the last 365 days. Rob and I (in addition to his healing after hip surgeries) have both managed to lose a drastic amount of weight. We had both become more unhealthy as we struggled through his hip surgeries and as I struggled with severe endometriosis and polycystic ovarian syndrome, which had both plagued me for many years, also attributing to infertility. (I encourage you to stop here and read the transcript {or listen to the podcast} of a sermon by Stephen Davie, Senior Pastor of Colonial Baptist Church, Carey, NC entitled Mrs. Job--A Lesson On Second Hand Suffering. I had become a "second hand sufferer", which lead to further sickness in my own body.) At any rate, (the very long story, short) we have been freed of all of those medications (blood pressure, cholesterol, diabetic meds, etc.) and are both the picture of health. The weight loss has been tremendous for us in more ways to count. And I'm happy to report, as of 3 weeks ago, my OBGYN advised that she believes I should {prayerfully} be pregnant within the next six months. I'll be 39 in December and would love to be pregnant before I'm 40. This was AMAZING news to me and a sheer answer to many prayers. It was such a total turn around from what had always felt like despair at my many prior appointments with her over the years.
God is a good God. He wants us to pray His promises back to Him...which I do on a daily basis. I have no problem reminding God that I KNOW that if I delight myself in HIM that HE will give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). I know the plans that He has for me and that they are to prosper me and not to harm me...they are to bring me a future and a hope and if I will call on Him and pray to Him, He will listen and He will answer me (Jeremiah 29:11-14). I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW that I need to be anxious for NOTHING but in ALL THINGS, by prayer and supplication, WITH THANKSGIVING, I can make my requests known to God and HIS PEACE, which surpasses all of my {pitiful} understanding will guard my heart AND my mind through Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:6-7). I recite these (and other) verses back to Him every day. These words are all embossed on my heart. And they are true. And God wrote them. And God meant them. And He will not go back on them.
Please don't misunderstand....God didn't tell me "how" He was going to give us the desires of our hearts. He didn't say that the fulfilment of motherhood for me would automatically be through me becoming pregnant. He very well may choose to bring us a child through an adoption...or He may do both....He may decide for me to be pregnant and also send a child to us through adoption. We don't know....if we did, then what need would we have had for God and His soveriegnty? All we can do is trust in the Lord with all our hearts and lean not on our own understanding and in all our ways acknowledge Him and He will direct our paths (Proverbs 3:5-6).
I can't tell you that we are there yet. But I can tell you that we serve a living and RISEN Lord who if faithful, who is just and who will never leave me or Rob....he will never forsake us, and on that promise, we stand. Take heart sister....don't believe the lies of the Enemy. I'm not telling you that I've never fallen victim to them myself, but I have CHOSEN to run the other way. I have chosen to run into the arms of my Jesus, who will protect me with His wings. He is the shielder of my heart....of Rob's heart. I have not always been at this place, but I'm thankful for the long, excrutiating road that got me to this place. God never promised that It would be easy....He just promised...He just promised. My God will supply all my needs according to His riches in glory (Philippians 4:19). That's all I need to know. Trust HIM with your whole heart and He will make a way when there seems to be no way.
Be Blessed in the Lord,
